Waking Dreams

I'm really struggling right now with staying positive about the here and now moments, because every day feels like I'm falling behind somehow. Like I should be further along than I am. As though there is something incredibly important that I'm missing out on because my teacher is moving me along too slowly, or I'm not working hard enough, or there's something that I'm not quite understanding about what I'm trying to accomplish.

In short, the name of the game is patience, and lately it's been feeling like patience is winning the game handily over me and my own desperate need for success and instant gratification.

Part of the problem is that I'm almost too good about planning for the future.

It's that fine balance that I think we all probably struggle with; knowing where to draw the line. Where dreams have to stop, and we have to take some time to just live in reality for a while. Knowing when the moment becomes necessary to wake up for a time, and stop dreaming the days away.

Because I certainly know what I want in my life.

But because I have the same insecurities that anyone out there has about whether or not I'll get there, I'm desperate to move forward so that I can move through the uncertain times and jump to the success and security.

I want to go to Europe.

I want my life to really get off the ground.

And talking to my voice teacher about it is equal parts wonderful and terrible all at once. Because on the one hand, he thinks I have what it takes, and fully plans to help me get exactly where I want to go. But on the other, he throws around statements like "The next few years..." and "Well we need to give it at least eighteen months before..." and I want to scream! I'm restless! I want change! I feel like I'm spinning my wheels!

Now bless his heart, my teacher was very understanding and patient with me, and gave me the best advice he could - namely to just immerse myself fully in whatever I can with my music in the here and now - but it still at the end of the day boils down to me and how I deal with it.

It's not getting any easier.

But it's not like there's anything I can do about it.

So I'll just work on narrowing down my world to one day at a time. Every day I wake up, I'm just focused on today. Or at least, that's what I'll have to do when I start getting the proverbial ants in my pants that we all get at times. Nothing wrong with dreaming and planning for the future...but I have to remember that life is still happening in the here and now too.